Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I just want to be me: Ramblings and Philosophizings (... is that a word??)

Sometimes I weary of having to put on a face for people; a face that they will be OK with so they can get on with me in public. I'm pretty sure most people are just a show. What we are around any other human isn't really who we are because we just might make those other people uncomfortable. That makes me sad. It feels tacky.

I wish I could just be me, straight up. I want to be able to say what I think and feel and share the opinions I have now (I feel excited about them! But I can't tell you), that are so very different from the opinions I had a year ago and will have a year from now. I want to be me without people jumping on me and telling me I'm not right or that I'm going to hell or that there's a better way or I'm not getting enough fiber. Please. Just ... leave me alone.

I'm not sure if that's really what I'd want to tell them. I'm not quite sure I can put a finger on my feelings. But I do know that I would love to say what I think and listen to what other people think and just be cool with those thoughts being completely different from, and perhaps even in opposition with, each other. I don't want to be debated. I don't want to debate. I want to drink coffee and sit on my couch and talk to you and have you talk to me and just let ourselves be real. Be candid. Be very open.

Why are some things so taboo?

Why can't we talk without arguing?

Why do I have to agree with you?

There is no point in being here - living our one, short life that we ought to make the most of - just to battle with one another over manmade opinions and manmade arguements - manmade conclusions which we can't even prove.

Do you want to know what I think? Really? Because really, I'm scared to tell you. I'm pretty sure you'll get that offended, flared-nostril expression on your face like a scared horse when I tell you that I don't agree with you; that I don't agree on a lot of the issues that (seem to) define us. I'm pretty sure your eyes will dilate and you'll sigh loudly and start telling me about the 'hard facts' that prove I'm in the wrong and you'll start talking louder and your voice will quaver. So will mine when I try to defend myself. I am my father's daughter and a debate gets me hot and heavy in no time flat. Even a debate I didn't ask for. A debate I hate. I would rather throw up than talk to you about your religion or your politics or what you think is wroung about me. Last time I checked, I didn't ask to have my opinion changed by a high-and-mighty like you. I'm just sorry I'm not articulate enough to make you understand why I don't agree with you.

It makes me upset that I can't tell you everything I want to say and just ... leave it at that. I want to hear about you and what you think; and I want to tell you what I think, too. Can't we just ... leave it at that? Can't we just talk and philosophize and emote? And just be.

No I suppose not. Most people seem to think there are absolutes and since I don't align myself with those absolutes then obviously, absolutely, I'm in the wrong. Which most definitely requires a long debate at the end of which you, absolutely, win.

Maybe that means I just don't need you in my life. Does that offend you, too?

I want it to be OK for me to pick the people I spend my sacred minutes and hours and days with instead of you making me feel guilty for making that choice. It's my life. I let you be who you are, let you believe what you believe and tell me about it all the time. I tell you what I have heard about such-and-such and that it may not be quite the way you see it, I even smile and accept it without any comment at all sometimes. I can tell you feel comfortable telling me about you. That's great.

But why don't I have that with you? Who out there is OK with me telling them who I truly am? Are you sure about that? Can anyone just be cool with me and let me disagree and be confused and doubt and yell and be scared and confident and changing all at once?

Is that OK?

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